God of the Details

The words I just keep repeating over and over to myself are, "God is sovereign...He reigns over all. A sparrow cannot fall..."

Yesterday I learned of two deaths. One was the apparent suicide of the friend of a friend, the other was an older relative of my Lummi kids. Every Tuesday, a group of us teens go teach a Good News Club on the Lummi Indian reservation. Yesterday when Mandy and I got there, there was a note saying there had been a death in the family. Mandy and I left the food basket we had brought for them, and then I looked for something to write a note back on. God truly is the God of the details...I had left a card in my backpack on accident that was just perfect for the occasion. We wrote on it, and then left.

On our way out, we saw some people standing in the nearly dark road and waving. We were able to help them get gas and jump their car, and we found out that they were relatives of the people who host the Good News Club. Even though we thought our trip out to the reservation (30 minutes both ways) had been useless, we found that God had a different plan for us. This was such a comfort to me as I had been wrestling all day with the suicide...God showed me that He was still, as always, in complete and perfect control.

Pieces of Me

Kimi sent this to me and I decided to publish it as a sort of odd profile on me

1. FIRST NAME: Jillian

2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Some one in a Canadian soap opera...but I was almost named Chloe after a perfume. Yeah.

3. DO YOU WISH ON STARS? :-) Of course

4. WHICH FINGER IS YOUR FAVORITE? My thumbs 'cause they're opposable and because of them I can do all sorts of cool things. They're also really cute.

5. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? Yesterday, talking to my mom and then later in my bed. *Sniff*

6. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Sure, I've worked hard to make it how it is, I'd better like it.

7. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Turkey

8. ANY BAD HABITS? So many I can't even begin to list them

9. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON THE SHELF? I don't buy embarrassing CD's

10. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Maybe after awhile

11. ARE YOU A DAREDEVIL? In certain instances...

12. HAVE YOU EVER TOLD A SECRET YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL? :-) Let me think...Maybe, but I can't recall. Did I get sworn to secrecy on that one or not?

13. DO LOOKS MATTER? Theoreticly no

14. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER? Drive really fast and listen to hard rock

15. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME? My grandma Bonita's house

16. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY? Not really

17. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD? My Playmobile

18. WHAT CLASS IN SCHOOL DO YOU THINK IS TOTALLY USELESS? Library 101. Seriously Caleb, why do you take it?

19. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? Yes, but I'm not very good at keeping up on it.

20. DO YOU USE SARCASM? Is the grass green?

21. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A MOSH PIT? I don't think so...

22. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GAL/GUY? A sweet, theologically sound cowboy who loves God more than he loves me...and some other things I just won't mention

23. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES? Seriously people, why do you always ask this question? All my nicknames are SO stupid!

24. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Definitely...but it might take me a while to get up the nerve

25. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Never

26. DO YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE STRONG? Sure...:-)

27. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Kimi: "What's ice cream?" Yeah right hon...you eat it all the time! Remember, that really yummy stuff we put peanut butter on?

28 . WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE COLORS? Almost any color

29. WHAT DO YOU LOVE ABOUT YOUR CRUSH? Mostly it's the ways I see Jesus in him

30. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE? You know, it's amazing how I can be so wise without any wisdom teeth

31. WHO DO YOU MISS MOST RIGHT NOW? Jenny Harley

32. LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The quiet sounds of the library

33. LAST THING YOU ATE? An orange

34. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Brittney :-)

35. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX? Height

36. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Of course! You know I love you Kimi!

37. HOW ARE YOU TODAY? Slightly melancholy and tired, but resting in the promises with a bright outlook on my future (OK, that just made no sense.)

38. FAVORITE LAST NAME? Ditto Kimi: "that would be giving to much away", although I LOVE my own last name.

39. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? I really couldn't tell you...although when Rachel and I are old enough, we're going to order alcoholic beverages sometime just for the fun of it. Don't worry, we will NOT get drunk! We just want to see how they taste...

40. FAVORITE SPORTS? I've answered this question so many times I could scream! See previous surveys

41. HAIR COLOR? Blonde

42. EYE COLOR? Green

43. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Yep, I'm not a wussy like Caleb (JK)

44. SIBLINGS? Yes. Budda, Roo, Bit, and Nelly

45. FAVORITE MONTH? September. Just the name alone is magical!

46. FAVORITE FOOD? I don't know

47. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Home on the Range with the Parks yesterday.

48. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? I love your answer Kimi: "Tomorrow"! That's awesome!

49. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT? The guy should ALWAYS be the initiator

50. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy endings!

51. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer. :-) Last summer, I had the time of my life! Almost every moment was perfect...and every memory is sweet

52. HUGS OR KISSES? Either...but both at the same time :-)

53. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS? That is such a lame question and anyone who replies "One night stands" needs a serious sermon from me.

54. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Caleb since I got this from Kimi in the first place

55. WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Kimi since she sent it to me

56. BOOKS YOU ARE READING? I just finished "A Severe Mercy" by Sheldon Vanuaken. It was so good! Now I'm looking for some C.S. Lewis

57. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? On this one, it's WCC colors, baby!

58. FAVORITE BOARD GAME? :-) I love board games.

59. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? Nothing, I read a really cute Christian fiction book to unwind rather than unwinding mindlessly

60. FAVORITE SMELLS? Anything that brings back a good memory

61. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP? "Where's the alarm?" and then I roll onto my back and smile at the ceiling.

62. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH? Maybe...I'm still deciding on the appropriate definition

63. ARE YOU HAPPY WITH LIFE RIGHT NOW? God reigns over all and all my seconds are in His hands. "How can I keep from singing?"

Blown Away

One of the reasons fall is my favorite season is because of the wind. Especially when it's a warm wind. On Sunday night, there was exactly my favorite kind of wind blowing, and I just couldn't stay inside.

One of the reasons my best friend is my best friend is because she doesn't mind when I have crazy ideas. When I grabbed her after evening service at our church and said, "Let's go out in the wind," she was game. And so we ran outside, into the parking lot, and went crazy.

Yeah, it's kind of weird to see two highschool girls whirling around like dervishes in a church parking lot, but, at that point, I didn't care. We spun in circles, ran as fast as we could, or just stood there with our arms outstretched, hoping the wind would pick us up and carry us away. At that moment, it didn't matter to us if our hair got messed up or people thought we were crazy--we were simply caught up in that timeless moment. It was like we were little children again; children who laugh simply because they'd never known how delightful grass feels on bare feet or how magical it feels when snowflakes fall on your face. And we did laugh!

Finally, we ran back into the church building. Another girl asked me, "Isn't it windy? I hate how it messes everything up." I just looked at her and laughed inside. Sure, my hair probably looked like a mad scientist's, but what did it matter? I had just done something I'd waited all year to do: dance in the wind.

I've been trying to figure out why I love the wind so much. One of the things I found that I loved was a quote from the movie "A Walk to Remember." On their first official date, Landon asks Jaime why she believes what she believes. Jaime turns into the wind, smiles, and answers, "It's like the wind...I can't see it, but I can feel it." I loved that explanation for the reality of God, but I took it a step further. I can't see it, but I can feel it and I can see its effects on the world around me. And the effects and feelings are so powerful, I can't help but believe.

Sixteen Candles

Tonight my little (well, if 6-3 can be called little) brother will celebrate his sixteenth birthday. It wasn't that long ago that I passed the same milestone...and I still remember it well. Our parties will be completely different: mine was a small sleepover with four friends at my grandma's house, while his includes about 50 kids in our shop in the backyard.

It seems fitting that it should be that way...Caleb is "Mr. Popular" who thrives in large groups, while I prefer an intimate relationship with fewer people.

It's amazing to me how time has flown. It seems so recently that we would be found most often playing dress-up, Lincoln Logs, Playmobile or Legos in the rec room...but now we've grown up and he wouldn't be caught playing dress-up with me. :-) But in some ways he's still the little kid with the crazy white hair riding madly around on Grandma's deck with me in a tricycle built for two. He still has crazy hair...although now he spends time to make it look that way. He still loves to tease me...and he still does it well. But most of all, he's still my little brother who I laugh with, cry over, and have the time of my life with. Time has changed so much--I no longer am inches taller--but not the fact that I love him with all my heart. Caleb, I hope you have a birthday to remember...and I pray that you will have a blessed seventeenth year. Don't kill yourself on the roads, now!

Wait

A poem that has blessed me lately...even though at least two different friends find it depressing.

Desperately, helplessly, longingly I cried,
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I plead and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, "Child you must wait."

"Wait? You say, wait!" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is Your hand shortened? Or have You not heard?
By faith, I have asked, and am claiming Your Word.

My future and all to which I can relate
Hangs in the balance, and You tell me to WAIT?
I'm needing a 'Yes,' a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'No" to which I can resign.

And Lord, You promised that if we believe
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
'I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!'"

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, "You must wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
And grumbled to God, "So I'm waiting..for what?"

He seemed, then, to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,
And He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.

All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want--but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not the depth of my love for each saint;
You'd not know the power I give to the faint;

You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there;
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me;
When clouds and darkness were all you could see.

You'd never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;
You'd know that I give and I save, for a start,
but you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have last.

You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that 'My grace is sufficient for thee.'
Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,
But, Oh the Loss! If I lost what I'm doing in you!

So be silent, My child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft' may my answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still, 'Wait'"