Coolant and Independance

Cars are a mystery to me. My dad is a mechanic, but I always tell people that doesn’t mean I know a thing about cars. I have a basic grasp of how to put gas in the tank and that’s about the extent of my knowledge. When my car overheated last August, I ended up in the corner of a parking lot with a jug of coolant and no idea how to get the hood open. The inner workings of an engine are things better left inner workings, I once believed. But moving to college has moved me away from my mechanic-on-call, and I’ve had to face the beast of this strange technology for the first time.

And it is a fearsome beast for one who is interested in anything but automotive repair. At 15, I refused to read the parts of the driver’s guide on how to change a tire. At 17, I called my dad for the smallest noise my car was making. And now, at 19, I find that I have to learn to deal with these things on my own. This frightens me and I try to avoid it at all costs.

In my world, my dad always took care of my car for me. I never needed to wonder when the next scheduled maintenance was because my appointment was already scheduled at his shop. I never had to worry about being stranded on the side of the road because I knew the best mechanic in town would drop whatever else he was working on and come to my rescue. Now he cannot come over a thousand miles just because my car is making a strange banging noise. I must learn to open the hood myself and make sure no key parts have come off or come loose, and then I must find a mechanic who will honestly diagnose and fix my car. I must learn where the coolant goes and where the oil goes and where all those other strange fluids belong and learn not to confuse them in a frantic state of emergency. I must learn to do it on my own, without my knowledgeable father watching every move.

It’s all a part of my growing independence and that is why taking care of my car scares me. It is not because all those spark plugs and belts and radiators and driveshafts are frightening in and of themselves, but it is because I am frightened of my own independence. I would rather not be reminded that I am growing up now and I must learn to face things on my own; I want to have my dad take care of everything for me just as he always did. I hate the change and the autonomy that taking care of my own car symbolizes. But trying to avoid that conflict is impossible with a 1993 Escort that insists on malfunctioning, and so I find myself needing to assume more responsibility. The mystery of the hood latch has been untangled and I am becoming more and more independent. But I still miss my dad’s greasy mechanic hands ensuring that I would always be safe on the roads.

To All Those Back Home

Hello my dear ones,

Well, I'm back in CA...and in some ways it feels like I never left. Life is settling back into a routine and for that I am very grateful. Classes began yesterday and my babysitting job starts up again today. I still have a few more loose ends to tie up, but everything seems to be going well.

I'm really excited for my classes this semester because I can already tell that I'm about to be stretched in ways I've never experienced before, both mentally and emotionally. My professors who teach the bulk of my classes have a reputation for humiliating their students in the interest of learning. And I don't like to be humiliated! My pride is already telling me that this was a mistake, but I'm praying hard for humility and I know these classes will be an excellent lesson for me both academically and spiritually.

My two conferences were excellent! I'm overwhelmed by the sheer bulk of the material that was covered and all the ways I was convicted. I keep going over my notes and finding new things that strike me. So there is a post simmering in my mind, but it's not sure of the direction it's going to take yet. :-) But I do know that I have been stimulated and encouraged to live this next semester for the glory of God, and I've been taking steps to help me be disciplined in this. And so far this semester has seen a more organized use of my time and a better awareness of my priorities than the last one. So I'm excited about what happening!

I love and miss all of y'all and am so grateful for the refreshment of break and spending time with you. It helped me reevaluate what makes friendship precious--and you are very precious to me indeed! Please keep me up-to-date on how I can be praying....I have a cell phone now with free nights and weekends, so I can stay in touch more cheaply! Email if you want the number.

Much Love,
Jillian

I Want to be Like That...

...like kids when I give them Bible for the very first time, like when they sit immediately down on the sidewalk to eagerly begin reading because they are so excited to read the very words of God. I want a hunger for God's words like that.

I want to be like that...

...like CJ Mahaney when he reads the Bible out loud. The words sound as if they're the most precious to ever cross his lips--because they are. I want a reverence like that.

I want to be like that...

...like Jesus who loved me so infinitely that He went to the cross...for me. Like Jesus who didn't think highly of Himself but lived to serve others and to do His Father's will.

I just want to be more like Jesus.

Reflections on 2005

What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before? Moved out of state, lived in a dorm, got a safety playing flag football...
Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I almost kept it--my resolution was to read thru the Bible and I made it to 2 Peter. Almost there! This year I resolve to procrastinate less.
Did anyone close to you give birth? No
Did anyone close to you die? Myself..."unless a kernel of wheat falls into the ground and dies"
What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005? A better prayer life
What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? I guess something to do with going to college--either the day I left for CA or the day I moved in at Master's
What was your biggest achievement of the year? I'm still trying to figure out what exactly it is that I achieved...it's very hard to put it into words
What was your biggest failure? Let's just say I screwed up a lot, but I have been forgiven and that's what matters!
Did you suffer illness or injury? Yup...I have a knack for getting myself so stressed out that I get sick...
What was the best thing you bought? My super cool leather journal from Barnes and Noble
Whose behavior merited celebration? Hmm...I think this is my least favorite question on this annual survey because it's hard to choose...or something...
Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? My own
Where did most of your money go? Paying for college
What did you get really, really, really excited about? Ministry
What song will always remind you of 2005? "Out of My League" by Stephen Speaks...because I listened to it a lot!
What do you wish you'd done more of? Crying over my sin and God's grace and the incredible needs in the world
What do you wish you'd done less of? Living for my self
Did you fall in love in 2005? Like last year, deeper every day (with my savior...don't freak out peoples!)
What was the best book you read? This awesome love letter from my Lord and Savior...
What was your greatest musical discovery?/new artist for 2005? Stephen Speaks
What did you want and get? The movie "Independence Day" from my incredibly good-looking brothers :-)
What was your favorite film of this year? Pride and Prejudice
What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Well...on the actual day I went to class, did homework, babysat and tutored. But my mom via my roommate threw me a surprise party the night before. Oh, and I turned 19. It's been a good age so far.
What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Funny how my last year's answer works again this year: "Deeper faith in God and His perfect control"
How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005? Skirts and flip-flops. My mom would groan whenever I went shopping and brought home yet another skirt, but I love them!
What kept you sane? Faith in God's sovereignty
What political issue stirred you the most? The Iraq war and the death of Terry Schaivo and the constant struggle with what to do in Skid Row in LA
Who did you miss? Everyone in Bellingham
Who was the best new person you met? I met too many awesome new friends to choose
Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005: I am a horribly selfish person who lives for my own desires, but I ought to live a life abandoned to service
Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: "It's funny how you find you enjoy your life when you're happy to be alive"--Reliant K