2:36 am

You know you are either too well-rested or too highly caffeinated when it's this time of night and you've been laying in bed for half an hour wide awake. Or maybe you just have a lot on your mind. Whatever it is, I haven't been able to get to sleep these past few nights, which is highly abnormal for me.

I painted tonight with the girls on my wing...which was relaxing and frustrating. I think that all of my artistic endeavors end up being an attempt for me to express my soul, and when it doesn't turn out like I think it ought, I get upset. And it pretty much never turns out like I think it ought. So I'm neither a poet nor an artist as much as I'd desperately like to be both.

Yesterday (well, two days ago) I went to our lovely TMC library and checked out a bunch of books that I felt it was my duty as an English major to read but I never did read as a result of my unorthodox highschool education, during the first half of which my teacher (Mom) thought I was over-Englished and the second half of which I mostly read humanistic, feministic and/or enviromentalistic essays (or rants, as the case may be). (That was an atrocious sentence, but it's too late for me to care. I'm very glad that I'm not required to diagram it.) Anyways, back to the point. I am reading 1984 (I know, it's shocking that I never read it) and I'm pretty sure that it's way cooler to me now than it would have been had I read it as a sophomore. I am so fascinated by it, especially the stuff that deals with language, literature and journalism, of course, and I'm only about 1/4 of the way in. I only hope the rest of my reading remains this enjoyable.

My computer is now fixed and, as a result, I now have my iTunes back. And as much as I missed my music and still enjoy it, I'm just really feeling like reinventing myself musically...or at least expanding my musical horizons. So if anyone has any suggestions, I'm more than willing to listen to just about anything...once.

Today was my second or third day at work (I forget which). And it didn't go too well. I had to run a bunch of errands, none of which were successful--partly through my own fault (it helps to have your credit card with you) and partly through the unavailability of various items. It was stressful and depressing, and it didn't help that I hadn't had down time since 8:00 am. As a result of that demanding schedule, I didn't eat anything until dinner, which was probably a bad strategy on my part. I was so messed up that I pretty much cried all the way back to the dorms...for no reason and every reason. But it was also good in a way--I hadn't really cried since I found out my cousin died suddenly last weekend, and I know I've been needing to.

I think one of the reasons today was a bad day was that I was far too me-focused. I concentrated on what I needed to do and how little time I had to actually do it and I forgot what I'm really here for. This week (well, since last Friday really), I've been trying to make every day a continuous praise song to God for His many graces to me, and it's incredible how that improves my perspective. The little things are huge when you see God behind them. But today I failed at that...and suffered as a result.

Classes are great...I might as well outline them while I'm wide-awake and in a typing mood.

Advanced Grammar: has made me start mentally evaluating and/or diagramming sentences as they come out of my mouth, thereby driving me nearly insane...but it's still really fascinating to study grammar. I know, I'm a nerd.

Shakespeare: any class in which Prof Horner plays a Bohemian shepherd with a Scottish accent and people have to audition their roars to see who gets to chase Antigonus offstage is worth going to...if only for the sheer entertainment value. I'm still not sure how I feel about Shakespeare though.

Postmodernism: Suzuki is amazing. And funny. And I'm really getting it, which is a huge plus. Also, I'm a postmodernist. I'm not sure how to clearly explain that to everyone who is shocked as they read that sentence, but my goal is to eventually be able to explain to the average layperson in five minutes why I am a postmodernist. Stay tuned.

Ministry to the Urban Poor: simply put--amazing. This is where my heart is and I love sitting around a table and being able to think through all the issues surrounding this ministry alongside of others who are passionate about it.

New Testament I: Behle is great and I get to read the gospels for homework. Pretty awesome stuff.

Philosophies of Education: I've had a few too many intense English courses for this to really fascinate or challenge me, but it's nice to have one class I can (somewhat) relax in. Also I am formulating my own philosophy of education, which is very interesting but as of yet almost entirely undeveloped.

Well, this has been a very grammatically challenged post with an extreme lack of coherence, so I beg of you to forgive me. Perhaps at an earlier hour I might think better...but it's doubtful.

Grace to you.

September 11

Went back to Skid Row the past two weeks...I'd forgotten that my heart lives on those broken streets...

Both of the past two weeks I've ended up in long and intense conversations with Muslims. It hurts to look into eyes that gaze back with intelligence and lucidity and then realize that they are just as entrapped as those who look at me through eyes clouded with drugs and alcohol. It hurts to listen to them butt heads with my beloved brothers and sisters who are ministering with me, to hear them respond to my "I'll be praying for you" with an "I'll be praying for you as well." To know that all I can do is pray. Nothing I say will convince them that Jesus is the only way to God.

But isn't that how it always is? It's only that I feel that my words have an actual impact on the other people I minister to, when in reality those conversations are just as much a product of God's grace. How many times to I have to keep coming back to the reality that I am nothing? So, so often I begin to think that I can make an impact on people through my own merit, when it is always, only, all of God.

I am so lost when dealing with Islam. I was really encouraged in my Postmodernism class today when Prof Suzuki somewhat addressed this issue...in academic terms, but still it helped me see why I have such huge roadblocks to conversation when dealing with Muslims. He said, "The Muslims do not subscribe to our narrative and play the completely wrong game against us." There's such a disconnect between us and them that we're not even on the same playing field, let alone playing by the same rules.

This makes God's grace so much more amazing. He reaches down and miraculously transforms everything about a person so they come to saving faith in Him. Isn't that incredible?

...deeper into the glories...

It's been a long time...

I'm back at school...

Back in the mindset where I've forgotten what to do if I have a moment of free time...

It was crazy to walk through WOW Week once again and remember that just one year ago I was one of those "little freshmen"...to remember how lost and timid I felt...to think of all God has done in my life in that one short year. In so many ways I think that I'm a completely different person than I was back then. God has been so good...I am daily amazed by His faithfulness to me. I don't deserve it at all. I fall every day...yet every time He accepts me back into His arms. I am in awe at His faithful mercy.

One of the coolest things about being back is being around all of these people who inspire me with their passion. I love coming away from conversations deeper in love with Jesus and more excited about the work of the Gospel. And there are so many people here who I only know a little, but I can't even see their faces without being reminded of how awesome God is. Then there are those who daily call me to a closer walk...Christian community is such a joy...it hurts to let them see all my faults, but it's so very sweet at the same time. What a marvelous grace!

Love love,
Jillian Rose