I want to be real. Painfully, powerfully real. I want people to look at me and see a heart that beats for God alone, for them to see the me I am when I'm following hard...the me who aches over my adultery and longs for her bridegroom (...while sinning in the exact same moment).
But my pride gets in the way. Because for people to see the real you is a humbling experience; your flesh rebels against it. When people know the real you, there's the potential for immense hurt. At home I had those people who saw the real me...or at least parts of it. They were the ones who could look at my face and tell me that my "I'm doing alright" was a lie. They had the boldness to sit me down and ask, "Jillian, what's going on?" They took me to task and still loved me though they saw the sin. But to have that kind of relationship took years of built up trust and experiencing life together.
Here I've been uprooted and slammed into a brand-new world where no-one knows me that way. They see the brave smile and hear the "I'm doing alright" and then smile and keep walking. Because I lie. I tell myself that I'm doing alright when I'm really not...therefore how much more will I say that to an acquaintance of a few short weeks? I long to tell someone of the struggles inside of me, but I don't want to burden them, to make them feel responsible for something that they're truly not responsible for.
So I turn to Him who already knows my heart, and He comforts me from His Word.
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction..." 1 Corinthians 1:3-4
"Why are you so cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God." Psalm 42:5
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are Mine..." Isaiah 43:1
In Him is all my sufficiency, and though all this world should pass away, God will still be enough!
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...let us know, let us press on to know the Lord; His going out is sure as the dawn; He will come to us as the showers, as the spring rains that water the earth...
6 comments:
Jillian!!!
It won't take long for people to see the "real" you...
Take you and me, for example. We really didn't get close until, what, last summer?
And it didn't take all that long before I could look at your eyes and tell if something wasn't, "all right."
You're going to develop many good friendships down there, Jill. And until then, shoot an e-mail to all your friends up here, and we'll continue to sharpen, encourage and strengthen each other.
You're a special one, Jill. And like Jessica said, I'm convinced that you can do "anything"...with His strength.
This little obstacle will soon come to past, and you'll be well on your way to second best person on campus...next to McArthur. =)
Oh, and don’t think you’ve escaped my, “big brother looking over your shoulder” routine. Because you haven’t. I want to know who took that picture. Because if it was a guy, then he’s in serious violation of the new inch-rule I implemented while you’re at college – 16’’!!!
If guy-problems persist…dial 1-800 CalebsGoingToShootThatGuy…
Or just send the guy’s address and picture to calebbreakey@hotmail.com.
Me and my buddies will take care of everything. =)
All joking aside now…
You are one loved girl, Jillian, and all of us are so proud of you.
I’m praying for you, lil sis – you’re gona’ do just fine.
Jill, don't be scared to let people see the real you. I know they have amazing people at Masters, people who want to help your walk with God grow. Talk to them. Tell them what’s troubling your heart. I know they'll listen to you and pray for you.
(Smoke coming out of my ears)
Take the high road...take the high road...
I think it's time you had another talk with mom and dad...
Besides, you should be nice to your soon-to-be brother in law.
Buddy would be so disapointed in you.
Wait...are you talking about Lydia and Buddy? Wow, a lot has happened since I left! You guys could at least email me about these things! (And what happened to your "weetle crush," Lyddy? Are you so fickle as all that?) You guys are nuts...and I love you all for it! Thanks for all the encouragement...and the threats. :-)
Lydia and Buddy, aye? Wow, a lot can happen in the few short weeks since we've been gone, hunh Jill?
All kidding aside however ...
Jillian Rose Hazel you are the most real person I have ever met in my entire life ... why else do you think I became friends with you? It doesn't take people long to see the real you ... but maybe us Bellingham-ians or whatever you wanna call us are just more astute than the awesome SoCali peopz. Anyways, you will have NO PROBLEM WHATSOEVER making new friends down there who know the real you and who will love and cherish you because of it (not despite it ... as is my case). :)
I love you and miss you, Jilly ... who else am I supposed to have long meaningful talks with? And who else keeps me from getting depressed? I was gonna call you last night ... I was in a really weird mood and I needed someone to talk to but it was like midnight and I would have felt bad. Not to mention the fact that I was too lazy to look for your phone number ... which I may have lost ... because I'm irresponsible like that. But anyways.
Where was I? Oh, that's the ADD kicking in again. YOU ARE LOVED. YOU ARE KNOWN. YOU ARE RESPECTED. YOU ARE LOOKED UP TO. WE ALL LOVE YOU JILLIAN. I don't know how I'm going to survive school without you sitting beside me, reminding me to pay attention ... and not fall asleep.
I LOVE YOU!
ANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNND as I said in my not-so-sentimental goodbye, YOU BETTER KEEP IN TOUCH! :)
Ps I've been getting lost in Lacey and Olympia ... without you ... and it's just not the same. :(
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