I want to be real. Painfully, powerfully real. I want people to look at me and see a heart that beats for God alone, for them to see the me I am when I'm following hard...the me who aches over my adultery and longs for her bridegroom (...while sinning in the exact same moment).
But my pride gets in the way. Because for people to see the real you is a humbling experience; your flesh rebels against it. When people know the real you, there's the potential for immense hurt. At home I had those people who saw the real me...or at least parts of it. They were the ones who could look at my face and tell me that my "I'm doing alright" was a lie. They had the boldness to sit me down and ask, "Jillian, what's going on?" They took me to task and still loved me though they saw the sin. But to have that kind of relationship took years of built up trust and experiencing life together.
Here I've been uprooted and slammed into a brand-new world where no-one knows me that way. They see the brave smile and hear the "I'm doing alright" and then smile and keep walking. Because I lie. I tell myself that I'm doing alright when I'm really not...therefore how much more will I say that to an acquaintance of a few short weeks? I long to tell someone of the struggles inside of me, but I don't want to burden them, to make them feel responsible for something that they're truly not responsible for.
So I turn to Him who already knows my heart, and He comforts me from His Word.
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction..." 1 Corinthians 1:3-4
"Why are you so cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God." Psalm 42:5
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are Mine..." Isaiah 43:1
In Him is all my sufficiency, and though all this world should pass away, God will still be enough!