A Mystery

So, good readers, I put up a hits counter in the wee hours of this morning, and have recieved 36 hits. Since I've only visited four times at the most, I am completely mystified as to how I got 32 other hits. Anyone care to enlighten me? According to the comment evidence, the only person to stop by was Amy. Or maybe I haven't said anything worth commenting? Any assistance in the solvation (yes, that's a word, I just made it one) of this mystery would be much appreciated. :-)

Perspective

This is no ordinary day, no ordinary life I'm living
This is no ordinary day, no ordinary life I'm living
For You appear to me in the ordinary
....
You love these things that most would despise
That's not very ordinary --Late Tuesday

Places...

The other day I was filling out yet another "about me" form, an exercise which can be quite frustrating for someone to whom words are important (me). How can I fit my soul into the confines of a tiny black and white box? If I wrote forever, I still would feel like I hadn't accomplished it. So each new "about me" holds a small portion of my soul and, were you to put them all together, you might get a glimpse...

This one asked for some of my favorite things/places/food/whatever. The favorite places one really got me thinking, and this is part of what I wrote:

"Places full of life and love...and places needing life and love..."

Images crowd in for both. Home, church, friends' houses, Barkley Starbucks, etc--full of life and love, and for that I appreciate and love them. Yet the second thought strikes more poignantly.

Tonight, after Skid Row, we drove back the slow way. Through LA, into Hollywood, up Sunset Boulevard, down Santa Monica...can your heart break for a place? Because I think mine did tonight. This whole city, so vast and needy, thinking that it is full of life and love, yet seeking so desperately for it at the same time. The life it offers sparkles while it is far off, but close up shows its true gruesomeness. The love it offers turns out to be not love at all, but power and position and lust and jealousy and a thousand uglinesses. If only they could see how close the true love and life is! But their eyes are so blind to all save their seeking...they don't see the cure. And it's terrible yet majestic in this glimpse given of God's justice and holiness. And, tonight, my heart aches for LA.

"the sweet sad scent of roses is strong on the air tonight" --me

Stream of [My] Consciousness

It's finally raining and it's so delicious! It makes me wish for home more--but there snow, not rain, may await. Only two weeks until I fly home!

Two weeks...and so much to be done. Tests, papers, projects, parties, meetings, packing, phonecalls, babysitting, tutoring, shopping, cleaning, spending some time with friends, going to one more concert, playing in the championship flag football game, going to Skid Row, somehow finding time to sleep and eat...I'm worn out just thinking about it all. Oh well, "I'll sleep when I'm dead," right?

Right now I'm in Amanda's room. We were going to watch a movie, but that never happened. Now I'm getting a familiar rumbling in my stomach and making plans to go to Subway with my roommate. This evening we're going to watch Pride and Prejudice with her boyfriend and maybe Aaron. I've only heard good reviews of the movie, so I'm looking forward to it. My last birthday fling before settling into the finals grind. :-)

So Thankful...

...for everything!

I've been finding myself more and more overwhelmed with God's grace towards me. I know this is something that should happen every minute, but I realize that I have never experienced it so deeply before now. I am grateful for His grand redemption. "You were ransomed from the futile ways inherited from from your forefathers...with the precious blood of Christ." 1 Peter 1:18-19

The walk to the dorm from dinner has become a precious time of reflection for me. I am grateful for the stars and the solitude and for the ever-present feeling of God's care. "For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand." Isaiah 41:13

College is a scary time--because of the stress, because of discovering truths you hadn't realized before, because of decisions that will last the rest of your life, because of the independence which sometimes feels oddly like loneliness. I am grateful that God will always direct my steps. "This God--His way is perfect." Psalm 18:30

Sometimes I get homesick. It's unlike any loneliness I've ever experienced before--but God continues to show Himself strong on my behalf. I am grateful that I never will be truly alone. "Yet I am not alone, for the Father is with me." John 16:32

It's such an awesome privilege to be a vessel of God's love to the lost world. Sometimes I am overwhelmed that God would use me. I am grateful for the gospel, and for the opportunities I have to share it. "I will most gladly spend and be spent for your souls." 2 Corinthians 12:16

This list could go on and on and on...I have so many spiritual and earthly blessings! Who am I to merit this affection? All I can do is give glory to my generous God. He alone is worthy of all our praise!

"I'm tired of American priorities! Who ever said your children would be safe in the call of God?"

A sermon has never made me cry...before. But John Piper's "Doing Missions When Dying is Gain" changed that. A friend told me it was the best sermon she had ever heard, and I might have to agree. The first time I listened, it was a Sunday night and I decided to alleviate my boredom by listening to this sermon while cleaning my room and writing a letter and doing other little tasks. But soon I found myself sucked in, sitting on my floor, paying rapt attention to my blank computer screen. And I ended up in tears.

Tonight we listened to it again, in small group. This time I took two pages of notes, but I missed so many other things I wanted to write down! It's good you guys, so good! It's been too long since I seriously considered the cost of following Christ, something each of us ought to often do. Amy Carmicheal said, "To any whom the Hand Divine is beckoning: count the cost, for He tells us too, but take your slate to the foot of the Cross and add up the figures there." The cost seems impossible--until you count it in the light of the cross. Than, for some reason, the suffering and danger pales in comparison. And oh! it makes me long for that deeper life, closer with Him, "further up and further in" as C.S. Lewis put it. Counting the cost never scares me away, but pulls me into deeper love for my Savior. For, as Piper put it in his three main points, "the promise is sure, the price (and the means) is suffering, and the prize is satisfying."

I can't tell you all that was said in the sermon, and, even if I could, you couldn't hear the pauses and inflection that bring the message to life. So, I'm pleading with you here, listen to it! Take some time, find a moment, sit down, and follow this link: (http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/desiring_god/) ...listen! OK?

"This mission is gonna be done--you can get on board or cop out and waste your life." -Piper

Abandon your small ambitions...
DON'T WASTE YOUR LIFE!!

What Book of the Bible are You?

You are Ephesians.

Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by

Why...

...am I more comfortable on the hard streets of Skid Row than the plush suburbs of the Santa Clarita Valley?

...am I so scared of being alone the rest of my life?

...do I so easily neglect my good resolutions?

...does my heart fear the future?

...don't I trust God more?

Googlisms

Googlism for: jillian

jillian is a photographer
jillian is great
jillian is just beginning to suspect that things in her shadow are not quite what they seem
jillian is very open to new ideas so don't hesitate to ask
jillian is "who will we get who can follow her next year?"
jillian is not exactly the tame little mouse he's expecting
jillian is the only woman among many men
jillian is worried
jillian is a friendly little girl
jillian is a senior yoga instructor at yoga zone
jillian is a 25 foot fiberglass lobster style fishing boat
jillian is in a fight for her life
jillian is like coming full circle
jillian is no stranger to the stage
jillian is alone at the beach house playing solitaire and listening to music
jillian is able to read lips and decodes their conversation for the fbi
jillian is that she's the only one
jillian is one in a million
jillian is disturbed when a patient is brought in with an ingrowing toenail
jillian is busy with her life as a school teacher
jillian is a three
jillian is weatherbabe for fox 11 morning news and good day la
jillian is also the assistant captain of the local girls hockey team in port saunders called the "hockey chicks"
jillian is innocent of more than murder
jillian is a penniless innocent all alone
jillian is all about life
jillian is assaulted and nearly killed
jillian is finishing off a masters degree in teaching
jillian is versatile enough to wear as an everyday bag or it can be reserved for a special evening purse depending on the fabric that you choose
jillian is a spinster of 21 and his parents are desperate
jillian is really renee coulombe
jillian is seeking her son
jillian is our artist in residence
jillian is an eleven year old girl in sixth grade
jillian is truly an angel sent to us from god
jillian is being sought by fbi special agent alex cruz as a potential witness to two other murders
jillian is a dream come true
jillian is pregnant with twins

Googlism is a website where you can find out what Google thinks of you...which of these would you say are really true? I like "jillian is innocent of more than murder"--it sounds like a great beginning for a story, don't you think?

And shall I pray Thee change Thy will Father,
Until it be according unto mine?
But no, Lord, no, that never shall be, rather
I pray Thee blend my human will with Thine.

I pray Thee hush the hurrying, eager longing,
I pray Thee soothe the pangs of keen desire--
See in my quiet places wishes thronging--
Forbid them, Lord, purge though it be with fire.

And work in me to will and do Thy pleasure
Let all within me, peaceful, satisfied,
Tarry content my Well-Beloved's leisure,
At last, at last, even as a weaned child.

~Amy Carmichael

Less than 24 hours!!

Life at Masters...complete with pictures!

1.) Me and Alison at Disneyland

2.) Dennay studying in my room

3.) Dennay shaving Brandon's head

4.) Alison riding in the teacups

Just some random photos of things I've been up to lately--my roommate and I hung out at Disneyland (along with many others from TMC) last Saturday. She had never been and I've only been once, so we had a lot of fun acting like little kids! (My roommate is Alison, for those of you who don't know. She's 23 years old, from Wisconsin, and a business major.)

The other pictures are of normal life...yes, the shaving of heads has become normal...somewhat. I think there's something in the water because so many guys here are shaving their heads, and Dennay got to get in on the action the other day. It was pretty funny! (Dennay lives across the hall, and she's an 18 year old teacher education major from Texas, y'all.)

Thank you for viewing this episode of Jillian's photography, I hope you'll stop by again!

Coming Home

It rained today, and my heart was glad. It was the perfect kind of day for curling up with a cup of tea and a good book and then cooking up a delicious dinner and then lingering around the table with my family. And as I did none of these things but instead walked to the cafeteria for another styrofoam box of food, I did a little dance because in two short days I will be home again. I will be back to the green land of rain and ocean and mountains and, most of all, the people who I love so dearly.

I didn't realize all the little ways I would miss home, but it seems that every day I discover a new one. For example, there is a sad dearth of grocery stores that make good Chinese food here. The country roads race past brown fields and citrus orchards rather than the lushness with which I am familiar. But most of all, there is no Mom to debrief with after I get home from school, no Dad to make corny jokes at the dinner table, no big little brother to plague the life out of me, no little sisters to talk and play and laugh and dance with, no little brother to constantly amuse and amaze me. There are no lengthy Starbucks conversations (because I can no longer bear to linger at Starbucks), no virgin margaritas late at night, no picnics at Hovander, no cruising the streets of Bellingham, no softball games, no trips out to the lake, none of the things I used to enjoy with the friends who know me so well. A girl can make new friends, but when you've only known someone for two months, there's a whole large portion of their life that has yet to be filled in.

So I am excited to come home, to see the changes that have happened in me and others while I've been gone, and to see those things which have remained the same. It's only for a few short days, but what days they shall be!

An Anniversary

Can anyone guess what happened exactly a year ago today?




Give up?




It was my first post on this blog! Crazy huh?

It's been an intense year...and I'm glad that I have parts of it chronicled on this website. Sometimes I go back and read about what God has done and I'm overwhelmed. He's worked in my life in marvelous ways, and I feel priviledged as I see what He continues to do.

Here's to another year!

Special

1 Thessalonians 1:4 It is clear to us, friends, that God not only loves you very much but also has put his hand on you for something special. (The Message)

She fidgets nervously, her feet dancing over the broken sidewalk as we talk simply of the heat and weather.

We walk to the mini mart to buy her some Coca-Cola.

She shoots up.

She apologizes as I try to veil the devastation I feel for her, for the deep puncture marks on her legs that deliver her slow poison, for her life here on Skid Row.

She opens up her life to us, telling of the years in prison, of the excruciating heroin withdrawals, of the quick relapse into a cycle of drugs and prostitution.

I ask her how she plans to escape and her answer devastates me further: methadone. How is this an escape? We talk of how to find happiness. I've never searched for mine in drugs, but there are so many places I've looked for false happiness. We talk of how they end up to be empty, "broken cisterns which hold no water."

She knows where to find true happiness--as I speak of the unimaginable joy that is God, she tells me of her relationship with Him. She knows all I can tell her about Him, she's heard of His great deliverance from addictions of every sort, but tears fill her eyes as she explains that it's never worked for her.

And yet she has faith in His power..."It must work, I just haven't received the gift of healing from it yet."

And she talks of the trap that is prostitution, how girls get sucked into it. Her heart breaks for these girls just as mine does for her. This is the ministry she feels she ought to do, to get to these girls before their future is her present. But her relationship with God is not there yet. The heroin to dull the pain of prostitution has her firmly in its grasp. "I've seen what Satan does when you let him have the power."

These words of wisdom and conviction coming out of lips surrounded by blisters. This broken heart veiled behind the tough external.

We talk for hours...she seems content to pour her heart out on that broken street for us to love. She is reluctant to leave our conversation, and so are we. We long to keep her, to protect her, to continue to shower her with God's hope found in His unfailing love and powerful redemption.

But eventually we must leave this divine appointment, our broken hearts overflowing with emotion. We promise to pray for her addiction to be broken, for her to find a way off the streets. As I hug her, she says in my ear "I love you." And then we return, changed by this sweet and devastating encounter.

Her name is Special. And she covets your prayers.

...When I have fears that I may cease to be...

When I have fears that I may cease to be
Before my pen has glean’d my teeming brain
Before high piled books, in charactry,
Hold like rich garner the full ripen’d grain;
When I behold, upon the night starr’d face,
Huge cloudy symbols of a high romance,
And think that I may never live to trace
Their shadows, with the magic hand of chance;
And when I feel, fair creature of an hour,
That I shall never look upon thee more,
Never have relish in the fairy power
Of unreflecting love;–then on the shore
Of the wide world I stand alone, and think
Till love and fame to nothingness do sink. ~John Keats

This poem by John Keats wrenched my heart. After reading the tragic account of Keats’ short life, reading this sonnet on Keats’ reluctance to leave this world saddened me. He died at the age of 24, after a short yet brilliant life, and many have wondered what may have happened if he had lived longer. It seems that Keats himself had some of these same thoughts as well.

The opening lines of the poem gripped me as I saw my own struggles mirrored in them. I don’t face an imminent death as Keats did, but growing up in Christendom one is constantly reminded of their brevity. For years I struggled with this, fighting against acceptance, pleading with God to not take me or come back before my plans for my life were completed. I had things to do and to write and to read, I had people I was reluctant to leave, and I had my own plans that I felt were for my ultimate best. I refused to place my life securely into the hands of the One who created it.

But I found that in this rebellion there is no peace. I began to realize that He who formed me had the right to do as He pleased with my life, and the right to end it whenever He saw fit, no matter if all my plans and goals had been achieved or not. And as I released my life into my Maker’s hands, He showed me peace that I had never known. I saw that all of the things which I so loved about this world were merely cloudy, imperfect reflections of the greater things He has for me in eternity–namely Himself. With Keats, "on the shore / Of the wide world I stand alone, and think / Till love and fame to nothingness do sink," standing here, looking into the vast ocean of eternity, all the things I once held dear sink unregarded into the depths...I am caught up in the wonder of my God.

HeeHee

Am I cool or uncool? [CLICK] You are Super-Cool! Woah! Step back - the future's so bright for you it's blinding me! You are the coolest of the cool. Everyone looks up to you as the benchmark for being coooool. The fonze was your grandfather. Any cooler and you'd freeze! WOO it's chilly in here. Cool quizzes at Go-Quiz.com

Wow...I'm really can't believe it. I'd like to thank my parents for bringing me into the world...I'd like to thank my siblings for laughing at me so I would strive to be cooler...I'd like to thank...

Stephen Speaks

My homework has been completely forgotten. Why? I discovered Stephen Speaks. Through a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend in this crazy blog world, I found a new band that is so fantastic that I impulsively purchased one of their songs...and I am terribly tempted to buy more.

Then as I put the song on full blast and began dancing crazily around my room, my friend Danielle pokes her head into my room {looking for my roommate} and asks, "Where did you get this song?" When I told her, she laughed and told me they are one of Miriam's favorite bands and Danielle has a cd of them because of Miriam. I was just mad at her for not telling me about them before now!

~~~~~~~~~

Is there anything more cozy than peppermint tea, my pink blanket and good music?

~~~~~~~~~

God is amazing. Everyone is made in His image.......just think of it. Everyone who is dear to me is so different, showing me a different side of God's image. When someone drops their guard enough to allow me a glimpse of their soul, I'm amazed by the beauty of God that magnificently shines through.

~~~~~~~~~

Beauty is everywhere...even in the dark alleys of Skid Row. Even in the midst of that poverty and desperation, I see God's wonderful beauty. His grace becomes clearer! As we walked through the broken streets, I contemplated the cracked and scarred sidewalk. It mirrored the lives down there--broken seemingly beyond repair. But God can take the pieces, no matter how shattered, and rebuild them into something beautifully formed in His image. His grace is wonderfully beyond the reach of my comprehension!

~~~~~~~~~

Pray for two Jewish children whom my life has come into contact with this past week. Their parents don't want them to hear about the gospel, but the children don't fully believe the faith of their parents either. The oldest is twelve, that miraculous age where the world suddenly doesn't make sense anymore and you need someone to show you the order of it all. I want to be that person for her, to help her see the truth, but her father might not let me babysit again after my discussion of the sovereignty of God with her late at night. But what else can one use to comfort a child who is frightened of evil spirits as she tries to sleep?

~~~~~~~~~

Pray for me that I don't spread myself too thin! This week I start both FLO {like ASB} and a possible tutoring opportunity. And from this point, Jillian must find it in herself to say "no" or she will not have time to sleep or eat! {Because these necessities are the first things to go when the time gets tight.}

~~~~~~~~~

All of you have my love, and I think of you often. How can I be praying for you now that you've seen some of what's on my heart?

Skid Row

The pit in my stomach increases as we drive through the darkened streets. Oh God, oh God, oh God echoes in my head as I hug my Bible closer to my heart. All I can do is cling hard to His Word as I watch the drama of the streets fly past my window. Piles of blankets show where people have already illegally bedded down for the night as huddles of others glance at us as we drive by. We pull to the side of the road and grab the bags of tacos. I send up a simple cry--Help me God--as I exit the van onto the cold street.

A man walks past and I attempt a brave smile. "What are you folks doing?" he asks. What are we doing? I wonder. A bunch of white, middle-class college kids in the worst part of LA at 10:00 on a Friday night? What are we doing?

Another in my group hands him a taco and he continues down the street. A huddle forms as we meet to distribute the tacos from Del Taco and the apples we smuggled out of dinner. "Jillian...come with us?" Miriam calls. I walk over to her, glad to have her by my side. Miriam is my inspiration for coming here. Her heart for the poor and love for the people of Skid Row just overflows when I talk to her, and I felt God prompting me to leave the safety of the Christian environment of Masters...to spend and be spent for another's soul. So here I was, scared to death.

We started down the street to catch up to Candace, Joe and Nate. Nate has already found Donald and hands him a taco. We talk to him about his Bible reading...he tells us about Psalm 29 and talks about his faith in the Lord...but I can smell the alcohol on his breath. He's visibly drunk. When questioned about it, he talks about the heartaches of living on the street and the pain he sees all around him. "Is that an excuse?" No, he agrees, but he still defends his addiction. Others seem to wonder why five white kids are surrounding this little black grandfather, so we turn to them and offer more tacos. Miriam and I talk to Ronnie; "What are your ideas about God?" she asks. He very bluntly replies that his god is narcotics. But he's been clean for awhile--he can tell us down to the month, the week, the day. Raised Jehovah's Witness, he is confused about theology. We discuss the Trinity, the Deity of Christ, and the only true Hope for overcoming addiction. Finally we leave him with hugs and a promise to pray that he will stay clean...along with an unspoken promise to pray for his soul.

Miriam and I join Nate, who is talking to two tall African American men while Joe and Candace continue to witness to Donald. Anthony works at the nearby highschool in gang prevention. "What do you do? How do you help the kids?" we ask. His answer can be boiled down to one word: Love. All they want is to be loved, and they look for it in all the wrong places, and they end up 30-40-50 years old on Skid Row. My heart aches for these children who have never known the love that I have, the love of a Christian family and of a wonderful God.

We walk down the block, turn the corner and huddle for prayer. As Nate brings Donald before the throne of grace, Donald himself rounds the corner. He asks to join the circle and slips in between Miriam and me. We put our arms around him while praying for another, and then pray again for Donald. As I listen, the smell of alcohol mingles with the scent of urine that pervades Skid Row. Inwardly, I cry out to God to open this man's eyes to his sin, to comfort him in this desolate place so that he won't turn to the beer for comfort. I cry for the pain that dwells in this place.

There are so many more people...the man who wouldn't even tell Candace and me his name, so hardened was he against God...the cocaine addict who would yell loudly and jump, landing with a bang that made me jump as well...the woman who was insane with rage, yelling swear words mingled with hallelujahs, screaming at an invisible person down the street while Miriam just held her and tried to comfort her. Again the tears came.

Then there are Phillip and Dynel. Dynel, fresh out of prison, stops us to ask if we are handing out church. "No, we're handing out tacos," we reply, "but we just ran out." But still we give him what we can: God's love. His friend Phillip joins him and we talk for countless minutes. As we stand on the side of the street, another group walks past. One man picks me out of the crowd and comments on my height. As he continues talking, I get more and more uncomfortable, praying frantically and looking around for help. Finally he leaves, with a promise to return. Shakily, I turn back to Candace. "You alright?" she asks. I nod and tell her to pray. The man never returns. Our group breaks into two as we continue to talk to Phillip and Dynel. Phillip seems truly interested. He offers us chairs (buckets and crates) and we sit beside the filthy street discussing God's glory with this homeless alcoholic. "You've made me think," he says. "Tonight I'll put the can down and think about what you've said." He wants to meet us next week...asks for a Bible...tells us to pray for him whenever we think of him. It wasn't a hard promise to make!

With our taco supply exhausted and the hours becoming morning, we leave...back to our heated and air-conditioned dorm rooms and our closets full of clothes and our all-you-can-eat meal plans and our futures full of hope. In the van, I talk to Hannah and Peter about our different experiences, about our struggles, about our futures that are so bright...how can we use them for Him? God has given us so much. Don't waste it!

Sorry Chris :-)

Your Summer Ride is a Jeep

For you, summer is all about having no responsibilities.You prefer to hang with old friends - and make some new ones.

What's" Your Summer Ride?

Being Real

I want to be real. Painfully, powerfully real. I want people to look at me and see a heart that beats for God alone, for them to see the me I am when I'm following hard...the me who aches over my adultery and longs for her bridegroom (...while sinning in the exact same moment).

But my pride gets in the way. Because for people to see the real you is a humbling experience; your flesh rebels against it. When people know the real you, there's the potential for immense hurt. At home I had those people who saw the real me...or at least parts of it. They were the ones who could look at my face and tell me that my "I'm doing alright" was a lie. They had the boldness to sit me down and ask, "Jillian, what's going on?" They took me to task and still loved me though they saw the sin. But to have that kind of relationship took years of built up trust and experiencing life together.

Here I've been uprooted and slammed into a brand-new world where no-one knows me that way. They see the brave smile and hear the "I'm doing alright" and then smile and keep walking. Because I lie. I tell myself that I'm doing alright when I'm really not...therefore how much more will I say that to an acquaintance of a few short weeks? I long to tell someone of the struggles inside of me, but I don't want to burden them, to make them feel responsible for something that they're truly not responsible for.

So I turn to Him who already knows my heart, and He comforts me from His Word.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction..." 1 Corinthians 1:3-4

"Why are you so cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God." Psalm 42:5

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are Mine..." Isaiah 43:1

In Him is all my sufficiency, and though all this world should pass away, God will still be enough!

What Key Signature are You?

A major - you love to live life to the full. You
have a vibrant social life and are not afraid
to take life as it comes. You are content,
bright and often spontaneous.

what key signature are you?
brought to you by quizilla

My Desire by Jeremy Camp

You want to be real, you want to be empty inside
You want to be someone laying down your pride
You want to be someone someday
That lays it all down before the king

You want to be whole, you want to have purpose inside
You want to have virtue and purify your mind
You want to be set free today
Then lay it all down before the King

This is my desire, this is my return
This is my desire to be used by You

You want to be real, you want to be empty inside

And I know my heart is to feel You near
And I know my lifeIt's to do Your will
It's to do Your will

This is my desire, this is my return
This is my desire, to be used my You
This is my desire, this is my desire
To be used by You

All my life I have seen
Where You've taken me
Beyond all I have hoped
And there's more left unseen

There's not much I can do to repay all You've done
So I give my hands to use

This is my desire, this is my return
This is my desire, to be used by You

Break My Heart

My first attempt at posting poetry...please don't laugh too hard!

my heart is torn in every direction
clinging to this
holding to that
loving and wanting
full of desiring
longing for anything
but the one thing I ought

one cure alone I see
for this treacherous heart of mine
God break it hard
wrench that away
refuse its desires
break, tear, chasten
bring me to that point
destitute, empty
where all I can see is the foot of your cross

then lift up my head
restore me
renew me
undivided I will be
but first I must be broken

oh Lord this hurts
my flesh cries in pain
my heart bleeds endlessly
my mind rebels
but those nail-scarred hands
pierced for my sin
gently bind me up
undivided at last

only a love as deep as Thine
has the courage to hurt me
to make me whole
a heart once torn this way and that
has found its great purpose
and focus
in Thee

My Song? (This Love by Maroon 5)

This Love by Maroon 5

"I was so high I did not recognize The fire burning in her eyes The chaos that controlled my mind" You were so great in 2004 that you make everyone a little bit sick!

What 2004 Hit Song Are You?

I can't wait until it goes down to 70 degrees and I can wear long sleeved shirts!

I'm Loving It!

It's amazing to go to a school where:

• The teachers pray before each class
• Your main textbook is the Bible
• Your teacher asks for your prayer requests and cares about the condition of your soul
• The discussions always return to the main relationship in our lives: God
• People you barely know ask what God's been teaching you lately
• Everyone smiles at you as you walk past...real smiles with God's love behind them
• Even in joking, people can't help but include obscure references to the Bible
• Class discussions revolve around how Christianity agrees and disagrees with the ideas presented in the text
• For homework you memorize portions of Isaiah
• Everything centers around God and His Word

I think that my favorite class (although it is EXTREMELY hard to pick) is my Old Testament Survey class. The man who teaches it is an absolute wealth of information on the Old Testament, and I always don't want the class to be over yet when he wraps up. It's a lot of work to be in that class, but it's oh so worth it! My other classes are wonderful as well, but I'm just really loving that one right now. :-)

The Master Cup

We did it! Waldock girls took back the Master's Cup! The Master Cup is a fun-filled event of various tests of strength, nerve, and willingness to make yourself look like a fool. :-) We first dressed up in dorm colors and decided who would run which legs of the relay. Waldock colors are PINK! Yes, Kimi, Waldock is pretty much the perfect place for you to live...named after your grandpa, and full of girls who love and wear pink.

There were 10 events in total, the most important of which was the $3.43 dive. In this event, a team of four people from your dorm take turns diving into the bottom of the pool to come up with change. When they have exactly $3.43, they take it to the official counters. My oh-so-important role in this contest was shirt-changer. I would pull the purple shirt that served as a baton off one diver and onto the other, almost falling in repeatedly. :-) Even though we were the last team into the pool, we were the first ones out of it. And, we were also the only ones who didn't have our change thrown back into the pool because of counting inaccuracies. From that point on, Waldock was unstoppable! We beat the second place girls team by about 5 minutes, and the first place guys team by 10 minutes. Last place was claimed by the guys dorm where all the jocks supposedly live...I'm not too certain about the futures of our sports teams if they are so athletically challenged as to lose like that. :-)

The guys team that took first place was our brother dorm, Oak Manor, so to celebrate we jumped in the pool and then went over to Oak Manor for root beer floats. Oak Manor is an off-campus apartment building that serves as guys dorms now, and it's really cool because they all have kitchens. Some of the guys were really funny...they asked us to come back every Saturday, using the kitchens as bait! :-) I'll admit, it is tempting. I'm going to miss cooking!

This, however, isn't the first contest my team has won. Another team that I was on won the Sandcastle building contest on the beach on Wed. And my team won the SBCC Olympics...I think my fortunes are changing! I can't remember the last time my team won anything.

The craziness of WOW (Week of Welcome) is finally over, and I'm terribly excited for classes to begin on Monday. It's gonna be awesome!

Better go clean my room! Love and hugs from the girl who misses you all!

P.S. The picture is of all the girls on my wing with the Cup.

Jesus I My Cross Have Taken

Jesus, I my cross have taken, All to leave and follow Thee,
Destitute, despised, forsaken; Thou from hence my all shall be.
Perish every fond ambition, All I've sought or hoped or known.
Yet how rich is my condition! God and heaven are still my own.

A Weird Face

Brittney and Jessica said they would miss this face I apparently make often, so I'm posting it so they will have to miss it no more. Hey, are you guys online yet? I have no-one's address, so I can't write even though I want to. Send me your address, OK? My parents have mine. I promise that anyone who gets their address to me will receive at least one letter. There! You have my word for it. :-)

Living in the Ghetto

(My room)

Wow, it's been a whirlwind week! Somehow in the past few days I've managed to move from the safety and comfort of Boyer Road in Bellingham to the unknown ghettos of the Waldock dorm at the Master's College. That's right folks, I am now living in a ghetto. Graffiti, bricks, the occasional flower in a used pop can, the whole bit.

Well, it's not exactly a ghetto, but it is decorated like one! The emphasis of my wing, and the focus of our decor, is missions, especially Africa and/or inner city. Each wing has different decor in the hallways (in Aaron's it's random sports such as Lawn Darts and Badminton), and our resident advisor (RA from henceforth and forevermore) is passionate about missions. I think she and I shall get along well! :-) We're both English majors, and love books, so that was an immediate point of agreement. On Sunday night, she, my roommate and I, another girl from our wing, and a guy who we passed on our way out, went out to coffee. That's right, we just picked up some random guy.

OK, so I guess I'm really going for shock effect in this entry or something. :-) He wasn't a random guy, but a friend of our RA, and we brought him along because it was his birthday. He doesn't even like coffee though, so I'm not sure what was up with that.

I'm loving it so far! We haven't had time to get homesick yet (I think that's the goal of all this activity), and the weather is, of course, gorgeous. My "WOW Group" and I went to the home of some TMC alumni with a pool Sunday afternoon, and it was such a perfect day for it. I think I got a little burnt though. Oh well...Audrey's expecting me to come home with a tan, so a little sun won't hurt anything.

Oh! In addition to my ghetto home and picking up random guys, I am now the proud owner of a teal Vanagon!

Well, not really, but as we were coming home from church in it, I told the guy (who's from WA, by the way) about my dad's intense dislike for Volkswagen vans. I think my dad's actual words were "I will disown you if you get one of those." I promise I won't buy it Dad, even though it IS pretty awesome. Today (Monday) we decorated it and then drove around Santa Clarita on a photo scavenger hunt. It was tons of fun! I'm beginning to feel less lost and confused and more confident. This morning, only through God's grace, I got up the courage to eat breakfast with two total strangers! You begin to realize that everyone is wishing someone would come up and talk to them, and sometimes I just have to be the one to initiate conversation. if you know me, you know how difficult that is.

I love and miss you all! I pray that God will keep you safe, and keep me resting in the truth of His eternal presence. I close with a photo of my beautiful dorm room...any guys reading this ought to feel privileged, because the sight of a member of the opposite sex's room is indeed a rare privilege! (Oh dear, I still can't figure out how to post it at the end. Oh well, you'll forgive me, right?)

P.S. Caleb B, you made me cry. Don't do that, OK? :-)

The Last Week Begins!

Wow, I can't believe that it's already my last week of teaching! It's been such a great summer, and I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't have as great of a job as I do! :-)

Our first club this week is a VBS at Laurel Baptist. This is a big enough VBS that the kids rotate around and so I have to teach whatever I'm teaching about 3 times. I've done the missionary story both times, and it's a lot of fun to do it this way. I get to adapt it..make it scarier for the older ones, tone it down for the littler ones...and get better at it each time. :-)

Our next two clubs are no-hostess ones in housing developments, which I went into with a little skepticism and a lot of prayer because of my past experience with the club in Sumas that was similar. (We had no kids.) We got to our first club, and I found out that a friend from Revive, the Christian Club I was involved with at Whatcom, lives there. My team and I walked all around the development and passed out more invitations. There wasn't much positive response, so we went back to the playground. One boy showed up a couple of minutes later, invitation in hand. We began club with just him, and had a total of eight children over the hour and fifteen minutes of club. Two girls left because one said it was boring and the other had to go with her, but the others all enjoyed it. Today when we arrived, they were waiting expectantly and excitedly to meet us. One girl said she had been watching all day for us! There are some issues at the club though. A little Russian girl came after we had started, and the other kids didn't want to include her because "she was mean." We never saw any signs of it! She was as meek as you could imagine, but the other kids were somewhat mean to her! I think there's some animosity between her family and another family there, because some of the kids said that everyone in her family was mean. Pray that we can bring healing to this neighborhood and that their relationships will improve. Becky gave a miniature "sermon" on 1 Corinthians 13 during the Bible lesson, but I'm not sure how much the kids retained.

Our second club is on Texas Street...probably one of the neediest neighborhoods in Bellingham! Truthfully, I was a little scared when I heard the location, but God has protected us, and all we've gotten so far is some strange looks...no verbal or physical attacks. :-) We handed out invitations again, and one boy responded well. He came to where we had set up club, but left when he found out that his older brother was unwilling to stay with him. No more kids came, so we set our departure time for 3:45, because we all needed to use the restroom (me worst of all). At 3:42, three kids showed up! We were kind of dying by this time [:-)], but we gave them a short club anyway. The little boy cam back with a friend and his little sister. The sister didn't stay, but both boys did. Today only the first boy came back, then when Becky began the Bible lesson, he ran away to "talk to his mom." We sat there for a couple of minutes, until he came back. A little bit later, three friends joined him! Praise God for growing both our clubs today...and for growing our faith through these various trials!

Describe yourself using one band and song titles from that band
Created by naw5689 and taken 32356 times on bzoink!
Choose a band/artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band:	Kenny Chesney
Are you male or female:	The Woman With You
Describe yourself:	She's Got It All
How do some people feel about you:	Being Drunk's Alot Like Lovin' You :-)
How do you feel about yourself:	Life Is Good
Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend:	Young
Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend:	Anything But Mine
Describe where you want to be:	Somewhere In The Sun
Describe what you want to be:	The Good Stuff
Describe how you live:	Be As You Are
Describe how you love:	How Forever Feels
Share a few words of wisdom	Live Those Songs
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Santa Biblia

So I've added yet another crazy purchase to my life. I bought a Bible in Spanish, and I am enjoying it so much! It was another one of those impulsive buys, and I was afraid I would regret it, but that hasn't been the case. I love turning to familiar verses and then reading them in Spanish. When it's in a foreign language, I pay more attention to things like verb tenses and the purpose of each individual word. It's also fun to tackle an unfamiliar passage with my trusty dictionary in hand, struggling to understand each new word. It's opening up a different enjoyment of the Bible for me. Because I have to struggle to read it, I pay more attention to the little things.

"So what's the point, Jillian?" You may be asking. Well, here it is: Now I really want to learn Greek. If it's so cool to read the Bible in simply a different language, how much cooler would it be to read it in the original language?

Live Like You Were Dying

It's amazing how quickly death can come. Yesterday as I was checking my Master's email account, I found out that Bethany Rerher died last weekend in an automotive accident. Any of you who remember Majesty might remember Bethany, but I remember her for more than that. During my first visit to Master's, she sang during chapel and then borrowed a vacuum cleaner from my roommates later that day. I talked to her for a little while about her and my future plans, and she promised to look me up when I came to Master's. Then she came to little old B'ham with Majesty last summer and we renewed our acquaintance. (She is briefly on the DVD, if you can't quite remember who she is.) Finally, the last time I visited, we ran into her at dinner one night and then at chapel the next morning, with her now-boyfriend, Bjorn (also from Majesty).

She had beautiful plans and dreams for her future, and her greatest desire was to glorify God. In her biography on the Majesty website, it says, "Bethany's prayer is that each experience this year would refine her to be more like Christ."

But now, suddenly, she is dead, along with her sister who was planning on coming to Master's this fall, and both her parents. In our finite view of things, it seems to make no sense. But as the pastor at a memorial service held in Spain said:

The deaths of Bethany and her family cause us to remember that we should be prepared to go into the presence of the Lord at any moment. Bethany has presented herself before the Lord having dedicated her last months of her life to glorify the name of God with the gifts God had given her, using them in His service. The Lord decided to call Bethany into His presence knowing that His daughter had plans for her future that included a life dedicated to serving Him in India, Bangladesh or wherever He would lead, renouncing many things to serve Him. If He called us could we say the same? Or would we be found living for ourselves and making our own plans? I do not doubt that one day, when we see things from God’s perspective, we will better understand his design.
In the meantime, we must know that Bethany’s death was not a fortuitous event, but it was by the will of God, according to His inscrutable ways and for His glory and the glory of His Son Jesus Christ. Bethany, Bill, Pam and Amy are now with the Lord, with joy unspeakable that we can barely imagine. They are contemplating Him who does all things for the good of those who love Him, and all this has been possible because of another death, the death of God Himself – God made flesh who came to pay with His own life our sin. He came to give salvation free and to give a sense of life and death to all those who repent of their sin and put their faith in Christ Jesus, who paid the punishment we deserved.

God has purposes in everything, and His ways are beyond finding out. Even in this tragedy, His good plans are being worked out in those still remaining. Pray for their brother and son, Matt, along with his wife Kara, and for Bjorn. I can't even comprehend losing someone so close to me, but I know that even in trials such as this, His grace IS sufficient. I pray that those who loved this family will know that every moment.

It's sobering to think how quickly that it happened. It could happen at any moment, anywhere, to anyone. If I was taken so quickly, what would the response be? Would people have the same faith that it had been a life well lived although short? What about if others were to die? Would I have assurance of their saving knowledge of Jesus Christ? It's good for me to ponder these questions, to stop and evaluate what's really important. Are you living like you're dying?

Another Adventure! (Accidentally Illegal...Oops!)

Yesterday Marcie and I went to Bellvue to see her cousin play baseball, and we managed to get lost multiple times. I drove the entire way, which we should have known from the beginning wasn't a very good idea. I can be a little blonde sometimes, as illustrated by our adventure on the Bellvue Community College campus. We were trying to find a phonebook, and BCC was one place Marcie was pretty sure she knew how to get to. I'm going to give you her description of the events:

Instead of driving AROUND Bellvue Community College, we drove THROUGH it. Yes, we drove through the campus of BCC. It was great. We were starting to drive around it. And then Jill took a right when we were almost all of the way around it (I thought she was going to turn around in the parking lot). Instead, she goes straight...and I knew she was heading onto the campus.
Our conversation kind of went like this:
Me: "Honey, where are you going?"
Jill: "I'm following the road, see?" (pointing straight ahead between two buildings)
Me: "Honey, we're on the campus."
Jill: "No we're not, this is a road. There's clearance signs on the buildings!" (pointing out said signs)
Me: "No, we're driving through the campus. Trust me, I walked through here yesterday. Right where you're driving."
Jill: "Why are there clearance signs if we can't drive here? We're fine." [Seriously, there were signs everywhere saying Clearance: 10'5", etc. What's the point of having them in place where people who are 7' at the very tallest will be walking?]
Both of us: dying from laughter!
Me: "I'm sure you're driving on the campus...see the fountain?!" (pointing to my right)
Both of us: "OH MY GOSH!" (hysterical laughter) [By this time I believed her...mainly because my car was having difficulty maneuvering between the ugly statues and sets of stairs.]
Jill: "Okay, we're on the campus...we'll just follow the road"
Me: "I don't know if this road goes anywhere"
Jill: "It should..." (coming to what looks like a dead end) "Uh-oh." (seeing that it's not a dead end and in fact leads back to the main road) "Oh, we're fine!" [However, at this point I had to go REALLY slowly because I was going between 2 buildings that were just far enough apart for my car to barely squeeze through. I was now SURE I was not on a road. :-)]
Afterwards, we pulled over in some parking spots (key word: SOME, seeing as how we took up like, four) and just started LAUGHING.

I had been laughing so hard that my stomach ached like crazy, and I got out of my illegally parked car and was leaning against it in the complete hysterics. All of a sudden, a cop rounds the corner behind us. I was laughing so hard that I couldn't talk AND I was terrified that were going to get in trouble for our little escapade. So as the cop pulled near us, we just waved and smiled. (I thought about trying the eyelash fluttering, but those of you who know me well know how poorly that usually works out.) He started just driving past, but Marcie stopped him to ask for directions, and, after calming down enough that I could actually drive, we took off to get lost once again. :-) Marcie has the full account...but you've got the highlights here. Don't ask what possessed me to go onto that walkway--I really don't know!

Today has been a productive day! It's nice to come back from vacation when you've been gone long enough to be truly refreshed. I was able to relax and come back and attack my to-do list with renewed vigor. :-)

One of the major things I did today was got my finances for Master's all organized. I sent a LARGE check to California today, and now it's official: I am a student of The Master's College. With that check safely in the mail, there's really no turning back now. I could still back out at the last minute, but I would lose a large amount of money. :-) I went back and read my journal entries from those times where the issue of tuition money seemed to be an insurmountable obstacle. Oh, was I in the depths of despair! It seemed that God was closing the door, and no windows were opening anywhere else. I was just...stuck. But God was really calling on me to trust Him more, and trust myself less. I get so caught up in an "I-can-do-it" mentality that God sometimes has to bring me to my knees in a hurry. But there's no better place for me to be than on my knees, looking to Him for the things I need. He has provided in ways that I never forsaw, and I am in amazement at His faithfulness! My bill has been paid in full, and I am well provided for all the things I will need before and during my move to California.

With those thoughts to ruminate on, I will make my first ever attempt at posting a picture. We'll see how well it goes! :-)

Cannon Beach

Hello from beautiful Cannon Beach on the Fourth of July! I hope all of you are having a wonderful holiday. Mine is going great! We have the afternoons free to do whatever we want, so I'm planning on taking a blanket and book to the beach and staying there til dinner. Sounds wonderful, doesn't it?

Chris commented on Lydia's blog that our family goes to Cannon Beach, like, every year, and he's right. There's a Christian conference center here that our extended family has been going to every summer for years and years, and we've joined them for the past 3 years. They feed you breakfast and dinner, and everyone has morning and evening teaching sessions. The afternoons are free to explore town or go to the beach or sight see...or whatever! The center is a block from the beach, so we go there all the time. Audrey and I have watched the sunset every night, and last night we had a bonfire with some of the other teens here. Even though it's illegal, people were setting off fireworks up and down the beach last night, so I've already had my fireworks show. I get another tonight anyway, though. :-)

One of the things that's been great about this vacation is the time I get to spend with my siblings. Since Caleb, Audrey, and I are the only teenagers in our family (Lydia doesn't really count because she hangs with the younger cousins), we stick together a lot. This is really nice because we've been going so many different directions that we're not always completely up-to-date on each other's lives. Here though, we are able to talk for hours without the normal things that pull us so many directions. Since Caleb got his license (yes, he did), it's been even crazier because I don't have to drive him everywhere he wants to go. I think I'm going to miss those days.

Well, I'd better go. The beach calls me!

Good Times

This week has simply flown by! It was my one full week this summer during which I had no commitments, so I had all sorts of plans for how to use it. Sadly, only a few of those came to fruition, but it was a good week anyway, and my room is clean along with all of my clothes. That's a good feeling!

The most exciting thing I did this week was on Sunday/Monday. After the baptism service (which was awesome!), Rachel, Amy, Brittney and I went to Starbucks. I hadn't realized how much I missed Starbucks while I was away at camp...maybe I need to join some sort of 12 step program. Oh dear. :-) Then Amy left and we went to Rachel's to get clothes for Rachel and Brittney and then to my house to get clothes for me and burn a CD for Rachel. While we were there, we had a discussion with my mom on everything from witchcraft to dating relationships. I'm not sure how we got from one to the other...but it was fun anyway!

Then we went on some random errands and came back to my house for dinner. We invited Marcie over and watched a chick flick, and then went out to the trailer for a sleepover. As soon as we got out there, we decided that we were hungry, so Marcie and I went inside to see if we had anything worth calling junk food. We ended up with: various types of tea, 3/4 carton of Mint Chip icecream, a large bucket of peanuts, some packages of Corn Nuts, a few cookies, and a bag of Honey BBQ Fritos Twists. This is a fairly typical assortment of "junk food" in the Hazel house...Caleb B. once remarked that we have a weak junk food cupboard. :-) The best part was when we made Brittney eat most of the icecream, telling her it would just melt and make a mess if she didn't. About halfway through, she looks at us and says, "I just realized that this is my least favorite icecream." We just laughed at her and told her she had to eat the rest anyway. I think laughing is the thing we did the most that night...even though Rachel and I had been planning on crying. I guess we just went to the other end of the spectrum!

The next day, we had breakfast and Rachel left for school. Marcie, Brittney, Audrey and I decided we wanted to go to White Rock, so we had lunch (the deciding took a long time) and then went to get Jessica and the Jones' birth certificates. It took awhile because the certificates were in a weird place, but we were on our way to Canada by 3:30. We had trouble getting through because the Jones' don't have picture ID, but they must have decided we didn't have the mental power between the five of us to be terrorists or drug smugglers of any sort! We shopped around and got icecream, and mainly did the crazy stuff we've known to do. When the guy asked if we were bringing anything back from Canada, I gave him our previously prepared answer, "2 toe rings, 2 pairs of earrings, 2 stickers and a keychain." The look on his face was priceless! Yep, we're definitely big spenders!

Then we went to Subway in Lynden for dinner and then to the softball games. It was a good couple of days, and I had lots of fun, good talks, and, of course, good times. :-) Now we're off on vaction to Cannon Beach for 5 days, so I'll talk to ya'll later! Have some good times for me while I'm gone. :-)

CYIA Update

Hello all!

Thank you so much for all your prayers while I was at camp. I was reminded again how much we need continual prayer, and God answered in amazing ways.

On July 10, all of the CYIAers will be sharing during evening service, and I will be sharing one of these stories there as well, so I hope you don't mind the repetitivity.

We had a safe and fun ride down to camp, and I wasn't the slightest bit sleepy during the drive, which was a huge praise. The rest of that day I was very tired and had to drink 4 caffeinated beverages to get through the day, though. As soon as I got to camp, Jeff (the director) gave us our room assignments and told me that he had switched me to being a senior CYIA supervisor. That was a somewhat scary moment for me! But there were immediate benefits that I could see as well. For example, I would be able to actually see and participate in a similar club to the ones I will be teaching this summer.

After unpacking, I met the girls I would be supervising at clubs. Their names are Erin, Elizabeth, and Melissa, and they are 16, 16, and almost 16. One of the girls' mothers was also a supervisor, and she didn't believe that I was her daughter's supervisor at first. That was a humbling but amusing moment for me!

In our first supervisor meeting, we got our club assignments. After handing out the packets with maps and other supplies that we would need for club, Ken (the guy that organizes the clubs and contacts hostesses) told us about a club that was heavy on his heart. It was at Continental Apartments in Auburn, which is in a poor Hispanic neighborhood. He talked about the immense need there, and the hundreds of kids in that neighborhood who are largely without supervision. I looked at my packet...there on the front were the words "Continental Apts." Two other teams would be going there as well, so that evening the two other supervisors and I drove off to find the location so we wouldn't get lost on our way to club on Monday. When we found the neighborhood, I saw that it was teeming with kids, but it was also full of adults who looked suspiciously at the three white people driving around the block. I didn't feel very safe! We also found out that we had no hostess and would be bringing the snacks, etc., ourselves. It was at this point that I decided to send a letter to my mom asking for prayer. :-)

Every morning, we would have a practice session in which we would run through the entire club as a team, and I would evaluate the teens and tell them how to improve. The first morning we did it, I was really excited to see what would happen. I came to the practice fresh off a supervisor prayer time, and I was excited, but it was three terrified faces who looked back at me that morning. They were scared and unprepared, and they knew it. Their individual study times had not gone well, and it showed. That practice did not go very well, and the Bible lesson was a complete flop. She had too many notes crowded onto too small of an area, and she kept getting confused. We all came out of it with a firm resolution to study during free time.

After much prayer and studying, we went to club. God blessed us with safe travel throughout the whole week, which was a miracle because I was so often distracted during the drive time. When we got there, a little girl was already waiting in one of the tents and we struck up a conversation with her. Her name was Alma, and she was 9 years old. She told us that the others were still at school, and their bus would come at 3:50. Our club was supposed to start at 3:30, but we immediately decided to change it to 4:00.

That club was crazy but fun. Two girls responded to the invitation, one of whom was our friend Alma from the start of club. They both believed in Jesus as their Savior that day, and both asked for Bibles. We promised that we would get them and drove back to camp with much rejoicing.

The next day was drizzly. We were concerned because our club was outside, and the closer we got camp, the harder it rained. There was thunder and lightening, and my windshield wipers were going as fast as they could. When we got out of my car, it was as if we had stepped into a shower! We ran underneath the eaves of the building and immediately began praying for wisdom and calmness in the face of this adversity. The "guys team", as we called them, showed up with an umbrella, and we got the manager to open up the cabana. But still we were unsure of what to do because we had three clubs at that one location. Finally we decided that two of the clubs would meet where apartment buildings came together, and the other would be in the cabana. That day, one girl believed in Jesus for the first time at our club, and another was counseled for assurance of salvation. In the guys' club, 6 kids believed!

Wednesday it rained as well. Our club went fine, but Elizabeth, who did the Bible lesson, was discouraged. She had wanted to lead a child to Christ, but none had responded to the invitation. She thought of more things she had done wrong than I had thought of, and she was most upset because she had forgotten to give a Bible verse when she gave the invitation. I encouraged her as best I could and prayed with her.

Thursday we were able to be outside again. The nice weather, however, made it so that we lost some of the boys to a soccer game. They would kick the ball around, come and listen a little, and then go back to their game, which was knid of distracting. By Thursday evening, all four of us were tired, out of sorts, and mildly depressed. But as the supervisor, I had to be the instigator, so I did my level best to be enthusiastic and peppy that evening. Those of you that know well know that "peppy" is not a word you would often use to describe me, so I had to rely on God a lot to get me through. By His grace, we all made it through that evening and even got some studying done.

We went into Friday morning with a lot of energy...supernatural energy I'm sure because we all didn't sleep very well. Elizabeth was teaching the Bible lesson that day, so we were all praying that she would get the opportunity to counsel children. Whenever any of the four of us was asked for a prayer request, that was it, so Elizabeth was smothered in prayer.

When we got to club though, we had no kids. The other teams each had one or two, but we had none. After another prayer huddle, the girls went to knock on the doors of the kids' houses and ask if they wanted to come to club. Meanwhile, the Junior CYIAer who had joined our team stayed with me to talk to others about the problem. We found out that all of the kids were at a fair at a nearby game farm. One girl came by, however. She had not gone to the fair because she was babysitting. We started club with just her. Elizabeth was a couple of pages into the Bible lesson when another little girl arrived. We had Maria help Elizabeth tell the start of the story again, but neither girl responded to the invitation. Then during the missionary story, eight more children showed up. Erin told them, "We can't do the game because you guys weren't here for the story." But the kids asked to hear it again, so Elizabeth told them. By now, she was experienced and did a beautiful job, but still no one responded.

After the review game, Erin led them in our "One way" theme song. As she did so, she went over the gospel truths again, and reminded the kids to talk to Elizabeth if they wanted to know more about how to believe on Jesus. Then the mayhem of the end of club began. In the chaos, a little girl came up to me and asked, "When do we talk to Elizabeth?" "RIGHT NOW!!!" I told her, and led her over to Elizabeth. That day, Alejandera believed in Jesus Christ. We were all ecstatic, and our JCYIAer was jumping up and down! She had never seen God answer prayer so vividly before, and her faith grew incredibly that day. We hated to leave that afternoon, but we left the kids with lots of smiles. The girls we had given Bibles too were reading them hungrily as we left...it was awesome to see!

So there's a brief story of how camp went. ("That's her idea of BRIEF?!?" I'm sure you're thinking.) It was awesome, as usual!!

I do have some prayer requests amid all these praises:

~For Alma, Samantha, Maria, and Alejandera, that they will grow in their faith and continue to have that hunger for God

~For the Continental Apts. area, that a strong Christian witness will develop there

~For Erin, Elizabeth, and Melissa, that they will remain strong during this after camp time that they are particularly vulnerable to attack

~For me that I will remain faithful to being in God's word, and that I will be strong to follow through on some hard decisions that I made at camp. That love for God would continue to consume me and to overflow to the children I teach

~That I will be able to prepare adequately for clubs

~That the clubs would be prepared for me!

~That I will be able to make a good team with those I teach with, that we will work well together

Thank you so much! I will start teaching clubs July 11, and another email will probably get sent out around that time.

In Him,
Jillian
1 Corinthians 15:58

The Brick Interview

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, the aspiring reporter C. Jennings Breakey flipped his new tape recorder on and scanned the room for his next victim. Aha! He noticed the unsuspecting Jillian Hazel curled up on a couch in the Syre Student Center, trying to get her homework done for her next class.

"Jillian!" he said in his best reportorial tone of voice. "What do you like the most about Whatcom Community College?"

She looked up, startled to see the recorder pointed menacingly at her mouth. "Um..." she began stammering, "...I don't know."

"Come on, there's got to something," he persisted.

"Well..." her eyes fell on the walls of the Student Center, "the bricks."

"The bricks!" He seemed shocked, befuddled.

"Yes, the bricks," she replied and went back to her math book, signaling that the interview was over. The reporter left, in search of the next victim.

**********

This conversation happened somewhere during the first weeks of our life at Whatcom Community College. I grin to think of myself back then--terrified of the horrors that would await me at a public school yet thrilled by the challenges it presented. I think of the timid girl who pushed the doors of Kelly Hall open with much trepidation that first morning, and the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach as she found her class and then had to figure out where to sit. God was so very gracious to me! That very first day, He sent me my first friend. A girl named Nancy sat next to me that morning and began talking away like we were old friends. By the end of the class, I had a study partner and someone to share my hour-long break with. Then I got another pleasant surprise when I found out that Caleb and Jake, two of the three people I knew on a campus of 7000, also had a break at the same time. It was during one of those times that Caleb sprung The Brick Interview on me.

I'm not exactly sure why I responded as I did, but I know I've always had an odd affinity for brick buildings. Whatcom does have a beautiful campus, and the bricks are very nice, but were I given the chance to respond to that question again, "the bricks" would not be the first thing to pop out of my mouth. It would be "the people."

Beginning that first morning, and continuing every day even through now, God has placed in my life both amazing Christian people and non-Christians who have challenged me to be bold in my stands, firm in my convictions, and sure of what I believe. I've gone from the girl who knew three people on the campus to the girl who cannot walk across campus without greeting at least two or three acquaintances, and never a day goes past where I do not see a dear friend.

In exactly a week, I will take my last final exam. In a week and a day, I will put on a maroon robe and walk across a stage in the gym to receive my diploma. And there will be others there, both on the stage and in the crowd, that have gone through this journey with me. They, not the bricks or the grass or the fountains, will be the reason that I am sad to see this chapter end.

Memorial Day Weekend

So, another wonderful weekend has come and gone and I'm back in the WCC library, counting the hours until graduation. I'm really excited and terribly scared about it, but mostly I'm just ready for this quarter to be done. Spring is tough because I'm usually getting really burnt out by then and the weather is often so nice that studying takes a backseat to playing, and then on days I can study, the workload is so huge that it's somewhat overwhelming.

But let's think about happier things!

Last Thursday night was the Running Start graduation reception. I went into it with some trepidation, mainly because I had foolishly volunteered to play the piano. Also, Rachel and I decided to spend the afternoon at the park rather than studying like the mature girls we are, so I was feeling a little behind. My original plan had been to practice my sonata all afternoon so it would just flow from my fingers that night, but I went to Blodel Donovan and got sunburnt instead. But it was worth it!

There were so many people that I love at that reception. My aunts drove up from Concrete, a large portion of my dad's extended family came, many friends from church showed up, and I also had many friends from Whatcom there. As I sat on the stage, I almost cried as I thought of all these loved ones.

We had a great group of Running Start students graduating. There were many strong Christians who stood up and made bold witnesses of their faith during our open mic time. I almost went up and said something, but I felt like there was nothing I could say that hadn't been said better by someone else, so I just offered up a silent prayer of thanks to God. Caleb read something about it though, and he made me cry.

My piece went OK, but I was shaking dreadfully toward the end and missed some of the keys. But there were no major catastrophes, for which I was exceedingly grateful!

Afterward, my relatives took about three million pictures, and I was able to greet most of the people who came. It was such a blessing to me to get their hugs and hear their words of encouragement....by the end of the evening, Brittney said I walked like I was floating on air. I don't know about that, but I definitely was very high!

As the evening wound to a close, Brittney and I left. We got mocha shakes at Cruisen Coffee (as if we needed sugar and caffeine!) and then went down to Bellwether and talked until I had to have her back to Carol. We talked about everything, and went from hysterical craziness to serious dreaming and back again.

Then when I got home, my mom came down to my room and we talked. She couldn't sleep, and neither could I, so we had one of those heart to hearts that come all too rarely, but are so awesome when they do happen.

And that was only the beginning of my weekend!

Friday:

• School
• Girls Bible Study
• District track meet
• Starbucks
• Babysitting and watching a chick flick with Rachel
• Serious conversation with Caleb
• More girl talk with Rachel

Saturday

• Up early, another Starbucks trip
• Off to Seattle for Kimi's birthday
• Yummy lunch near Pike Place
• Shopping
• Makeovers
• Rachel and I walking down to the pier when we ran out of money
• Gorgeous sunny weather
• Sleepy drive back home

Sunday

• Church
• Lindsay's grad party
• Field trip, driving all around Whatcom County with Mom, Lyddy and Caleb B.
• IGA chicken on the bank of the Nooksack
• Visiting family
• Watching the end of The Two Towers with my family

Monday

• Sleeping in!
• Big, leisurely breakfast with the whole family around the table
• Making quesedillas for my siblings for lunch (after a long shower and cleaning my room)
• Trip to Family Christian Bookstores and the mall with Audrey and Marcie
• Off to the lake, Lyddy and Marcie being insane and SWIMMING!!
• Party at Eschbach's, doing homework, watching volleyball and visiting
• Back home, dancing in the car and Caleb dancing in the driveway

It was crazy good fun!

:-)

Your SAT Score of 1500 Means:

You Scored Higher Than Howard Stern You Scored Higher Than George W. Bush You Scored Higher Than Al Gore You Scored Higher Than David Duchovny You Scored Higher Than Natalie Portman You Scored Lower Than Bill Gates

Your IQ is most likely in the 140-150 range

Equivalent ACT score: 33

Schools that Fit Your SAT Score: California Institute of Technology Stanford University Princeton University Yale University Harvard University

What Does Your SAT Score Mean?

I'm having troubles...just trying to see if I can get my blog to come up...

If You Read This

if you read this,
even if i don't speak to you often,
you must post a memory of me.
it can be anything, good or bad,
just so long as it happened,
then post this to your journal and see what people remember about you

A Confusing Education

I am so glad that I am a Christian. If I didn't have the firm foundation from my parents and church, I am positive that I would be so messed up right now. Ideas of all sorts come at me from every direction in my classes that I would be lost and confused if I didn't have that things I know to be true to compare these ideas too.

The main reason this is on my mind is because I've been thinking about all the classes I have ever taken at this college. The ideas that each espouses as true are so contradictory, yet I know people that are alternately sucked in by one or the other. Take, for example, two classes I am taking right now: Social Problems and History of Environmental Ethics (simply because I needed another Honors class). Social Problems is, of course, humanistic at the very core and believes that humans are what really matters in this world, while I sometimes get the feeling in my "environmentalist" class that we humans should really just commit mass suicide so the world wouldn't be as messed up as it is.

I realized this the other day, and had to just laugh. If someone who had no idea what they believed was taking these two classes, what conclusion would they come to? Would they even care or would the confusion just cause them to block the ideas and just strive for a good grade? I really hope to get more than a good GPA out of my college career; I hope that it will teach me about the world and I will have a better understanding of my part and responsibility in it. And, surprisingly, Whatcom has actually helped with this. It's gotten me to think about things that I never considered as a homeschooled student. And some of you might be surprised at the conclusions I've come too...there are a couple essays that you might raise some eyebrows at, but they are what I believe, and my closest and most trusted counselors agree with me. Maybe someday I'll share my feminism essay, but that day is not yet. It's still a theory. A theory based on much prayer, Bible reading, counsel, and thinking, but it's still a theory. I have yet to see how well it works...I'll let you know!

Not in My Strength

Now I'm terrified.

I've been so looking forward to going to CYIA as a fourth year student. Everything is so familiar and I know all the ins and outs of how things work. I know so many people, all the supervisors and higher-ups support me, and I just really enjoy it even though it's a packed week.

But now that's all changed. I've agreed to be a supervisor. When Natalie asked me, I immediately knew it was something I needed to do because of my internal upheaval. I instantly didn't want to do it, and the only reason was because I thought I couldn't. But I know from past experience at CYIA that His grace is sufficient for me...His power is made perfect in my weakness. After thinking it over, I decided that I should do it just because of my misgivings. I decided not to let my pride get in the way. My pride would only have me do the comfortable things, the things I know I can do. But when I get outside of my comfort zone, that is when God shows Himself magnificently faithful.

So I do have to go to pretraining to learn something new now. I have to learn to be a supervisor. Oh, wow, how I tremble at the thought. But He is faithful and will complete what He has begun in me. Pray that I will always rely on Him and that I will be an awesome supervisor!

Senior Prom

What do you get when you combine some of my favorite things (friends, pretty clothes, roses, good food, music, dancing, movies, and virgin margaritas) into one long, fun-filled night? Senior Prom!

I had so much fun last year at junior prom that I wanted to go again this year, but as the day got nearer, I began having doubts. It looked like my friends were all going to have dates, I didn't want to be the fifth or seventh wheel or whatever it would have been, and I couldn't find a dress for any price, let alone cheap. But God just made things fall into place so beautifully. It turned out that I had another single girlfriend from WCC going who I could split the price of a couple's ticket with, and I finally found a dress the Monday before prom. I got it at Colima Design, a little dress shop in downtown Ferndale, and she told me if I ever needed another, she could make any dress in any size if I just brought her a picture. And her prices are really reasonable!

The day of prom I went to the Walk for Life and then Lydia and I went Mother's Day shopping, so I was already wiped out by 2:00. I read and tried to nap, and then got my stuff together and drove out to the Sebens. Karin did my hair absolutely beautifully and then put miniature roses that my mom bought me in it. I did my makeup and got dressed there so they could see "the finished product" and then I went to our rendezvous point at Lindsay's.

We took a couple pictures there and then went to Coconut Kenny's for appetizers. Rachel and I went in my car and we had a good time listening to country music and smiling at all the people who stared at us. We got cheese balls and a miniature pizza for appetizers and then went to my house for dinner.

My mom had prepared a wonderful four course dinner for us...everyone was completely amazed. The first course was striped jello (compliments of Mrs. Breakey--that's some GOOD stuff!), the second was a beautiful salad, artisan bread, and butter molded to look like shells, and the third was a choice of Sour Cream Spaghetti or Seafood Lasagne with a side of green beans. By the time dessert came out, we were all too full to hold another bite, so she took it over to Lindsay's where we could have it after the dance. I seriously haven't been hungry ever since though! We had such a good time at dinner, and we ended up being late to the dance because we lingered so long over it.

Daddy let me drive his 2002 Dodge Ram 2500 Cummings Diesel to prom, which made me very happy and Marcie and Danae a little scared! But we had no mishaps and I parked it successfully. When we got there (about 1/2 hour late), no one was dancing, but we soon fixed that. The time seemed to just fly. I was considering about asking what time it was, thinking it was around 11, when the DJ announced that it was the last song. Midnight, you know...time for Cinderella to leave the ball (I tried to leave a shoe behind, but my feet hurt too much). My biggest complaint about prom was the music. The DJ didn't really play the best songs for dancing to because many were in that between-slow-and-fast range where you're not exactly sure what to do. But we just made it up off the tops of our heads and had lots of fun and laughs doing it. :-) My little brother was there taking coats and purses, and he didn't have the highest opinion of the way I was dancing, but not everyone can have the gangsta' moves of Caleb Hazel, now can they? I'm content with my sad lack of "hipness."

Afterward we went briefly to Denny's to continue a tradition started at Junior Prom, and then we went to Lindsay's. We piled about 11 of us into her hot tub, which responded by doing its best imitation of Niagara Falls. We sat in there and talked until I turned into a giant prune, and Lindsay, Chrey and Rachel made us virgin margaritas...which were so good!

Then we went inside and talked some more and a few people left. We decided to watch Phantom of the Opera after awhile, starting with "That's All I Ask of You" and then going back to the beginning. I only watched until "Angel of Music" because I was realizing that I had church in the morning and it was getting terribly late. Reluctantly I left, but I will finish the movie sometime soon!

It was a whirlwind night, and a beautiful memory of senior prom. I'm glad I will have no regrets when I think of what others have experienced during their senior proms. Mine has no unhappy memories...just the way it should be!

My Pink Blanket

For me, happiness and comfort is sometimes synonymous with my pink blanket.

Last night, Brittney and I were huddled under it for warmth while attempting to walk to Carol's car. We have this problem with walking in sync, and with distinguishing right from left, so this walk was quite an adventure. (An actual Brittney quote: "No, your FAR left!") As we stumbled madly around, a friend who we were walking with warned us that the blanket was dragging on the ground and in serious danger of getting dirty. But I replied to him, "This blanket has been through so much...it really doesn't care anymore." He simply gave me one of those "you're insane" looks and continued on, but eventually commented again that he felt sorry for the blanket.

But I think there's really no reason for him to be sorry for the blanket. My pink blanket is one of my most prized possessions, but it didn't become that way because it was protected from the dirt of Bender Fields. The reason I love that blanket is because I look at it and see all the memories contained in it.

It used to be Audrey's or Lydia's blanket on their bed, but when they got a new comforter, I took possession of it for extra warmth on winter nights. Since then, it has been used for so many purposes and become something which contains many of my best memories. I'll list a few here.

• Tanning and reading with my sisters
• Playing various insane games on the trampoline
• Trying to fly
• Many, many picnics
• Stargazing
• Every church campout
• Football games, cheering on the Trojans
• Watching "The Best of Will Ferrell" on my cousins' dock
• Softball games
• Curled up reading on the couch
• Playing Speed in the trailer with Brittney
• Napping in the sun at the "VanLiew Campout"
• Sleepovers...getting scared out of our wits by imagining noises outside the trailer
• Sitting on the Tennant Lake boardwalk with Brittney, talking, reading our Bibles and dreaming
• Singing and talking around campfires
• Long roadtrips and late-night rides in the car
• Revive girls' Bible study sitting on it
• Sitting in the WCC courtyard with my friends
• Of course, trying to walk huddled underneath

I love how my blanket smells after it's been washed...I dry it in the sun and it smells like a mixture of detergent, fresh air, and sunlight. When I curl up in it, I think of all the fun memories I've made with it, the serious discussions and moments of wild laughter it has seen. I am reminded again of God's grace to me in giving me such wonderful friends and family.

I love how mornings smell.

My Siblings

"The Family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together." Emma Bombeck

I've always said that I wanted to have a lot of kids. People always say to me, "Wow, 5 kids," but for me, it's never been anything to be amazed about. Five seems like a natural number and I can't remember or imagine life as an only child. I have been so blessed to have my four crazy siblings. As I think about leaving in such a short amount of time, I am reminded again of how much these people are seared into my heart, and how I can't imagine life without their presence.

Caleb and I have had a love/hate relationship. Out of all my siblings, he's probably the one I've fought with the most, but this has only served to strengthen our understanding of each other. We've come to the point in our relationship where we no longer have pitched battles in the halls, but instead we go to each other for advice, conversation, and the occasional ride somewhere fun. Because of Caleb, my knowledge of boy's fashion is much more extensive than my knowledge of girl's fashion, and trips to the mall feel weird without going to the Hollister and American Eagle guy's departments. He's fiercely protective of his sisters and checks up on me to make sure I'm keeping my act clean. Even though he's not demonstrative with his love, you can see it through little glimpses of his care for us. He thrives in large social groups, and family conversations are so much duller without Caleb's ready wit and extrovertism.

Audrey is my personal fashion police and chief confidante. She's always ready to tell me if an outfit matches and looks good if I'm willing to ask. (Sometimes she even volunteers the information.) I'm sure that, without her, I will look like quite a mess some days. Many of you reading this post have no idea what I'm talking about because most of my outfits are "Audrey-approved" before I leave the house, but I've come up with some things that have sent her into spasms of horror. :-) Audrey and I have gone on many excursions together, and the best part of these trips is always the time we spend talking in the car. When someone is so close to you that you only have to say one word and they immediately know what you mean, that is a gift from God. She can see right through me every time I pretend things are going differently than they are, and she's always willing to offer a listening ear and a helping hand. We also laugh...a lot! I would say that is one hallmark of all my relationships with my siblings. Laughter is the mortar of our friendships.

Lydia was my baby when we were growing up. Although she's only 4 1/2 years younger than me, it seems I was always packing her around and "mommying" her. It's strange for me now to be able to interact with her on the same level, but it's been an incredible blessing as well. She is such a busy bee...last Saturday Mom and Dad went out for breakfast and left us with instructions to get food for ourselves (translation: cereal). But when I got out of bed, Lydia had made Swedish Pancakes, which are like crepes, for all of us. This is no easy undertaking, but she gamely slaved over a hot stove to make us a delicious breakfast without being asked. She bought a trampoline last summer and is constantly begging us to play on it with her, and she loves to take walks with me and Otis or whoever will join us. She is becoming an amazing babysitter because she has just as much fun playing as the kids do, and she knows how to have fun no matter what we're doing.

Jacob...wow...what do I say about him? He has no inhibitions and simply does whatever he feels is right without caring about peer pressure. He is constantly drawing or writing something new from one of his many imaginary kingdoms of Beanie Babies or superheroes or people. If you've never seen one of his creations, you should ask him sometime. They are so intricately detailed, and the creativity is astounding. I'm sure he must be some kind of genius, I just haven't figured out which kind yet. He is more demonstrative with his love than Caleb; I can hardly be sitting down somewhere at home without him coming up and putting his chin on my shoulder, just wanting to be a part of what I'm doing. One of the greatest things about him is that I'll think I finally have him pegged and then he'll do something completely out of character and mystify me further. He has the habit of asking me random thought-provoking questions and not leaving me alone until I answer them. And of course, he's incredibly funny!

I wouldn't trade one of these people for the world...their many peculiarities and strengths are just what have made me who I am today, and I know that they will continue to sharpen me.